Yesterday I went for a walk with Little Love. It was the first time she was off the property without Col since the "accident" two weeks ago. She was high as a kite, which came as no surprise, but somehow still made me frustrated. Why do we always have to go back to square one?
Ok, that's not fair. It was not exactly square one, but rather square two or three, but somehow I felt so deflated about it. I tried not to, but I couldn't help myself. We walked down the road 15 minutes, then turned back. I didn't want to go further, because I felt it might have put us both into a precarious situation and I wanted the walk to end on a good note (no lose horses this time!) Once we were walking back, Little Love seemed to calm down a notch and I was able to let her graze on the side of the road. When we got closer to the barn, we could both hear Col crying for her. Obviously he was going through some separation anxiety himself.
In the evening, as I was lying in bed trying to get some sleep, I analyzed my emotions and decided that I really need to stop hoping that somehow miraculously Little Love will turn into this horse that she is not. The fact of life is that if she doesn't go out for a while, she is hyper alert and sometimes even fearful. That's the way she is. There may be calmer days in between, but in general she is an extremely alert horse. Period.
That all said, I also think I need to just keep going out with her, no matter what. Even if it's just for five minutes. The more she does it, the better it gets. Which Little Love proved to me again today. My friend Delphine was visiting us and we went for a walk together. Usually Little Love doesn't do well when we have other people walking with us (maybe because my attention is elsewhere?), but with Delphine she was alright. In fact, she was better then alright; she was back to where we were a while back - walking with me rather than separate from me. None of that nervous jig from yesterday or staring at everything with the whites of her eyes flashing.
Delphine hadn't seen Lilo for about three years and she couldn't believe the change in her temperament. She is right. This is not the same horse she once was. Delphine said the biggest change is in the look in her eyes, which is no longer strung out and worried, but rather at peace. And that is true. There is a certain peace within Little Love and she shares this with me daily. Sometimes I think I'm just too close to see it. Or, I see it and I want more. As usual.
I think really the one who needs to change is me. Yet again. I am a work in progress, what can I say...